Opposite of the “perfect on paper” match

Flag of the Czech Republic

Hey! Some Romance For Roodle is getting going!

I’ve had zillions of dates with guys who are perfect matches “on paper” (or on website), but who don’t work out in real life.  This guy I’ll call Czech may be the opposite.

His background is totally different from mine; he’s had some very rough experiences and dealt with major dysfunction; he has strong Christian beliefs (I have strong Humanist/atheist beliefs); he’s more than a decade older than me and a 5-time grandfather; he has a couple of degrees fewer than me; he has no car, no cell phone, and no checking account; even when a friend gave him a computer, he didn’t connect it to the internet; and whatever he does to come by the tiny amount of money he spends, he hasn’t mentioned it in about 12 hours of phone conversations and time together in person.

The stuff that doesn’t show up on paper is his dedication to his young son, his emotional openness and expressiveness (HE’s taken our conversations further into emotional territory than I have), his interest in healthy living, his curiosity about people and the world, and his self-confidence — which allows him to respect my knowledge without ego issues.   And he’s gentle and masculine at the same time. Oh — and he’s into me.

Had I seen this guy on an online dating site, or had the expensive dating service suggested him, I would’ve ruled him out right away based on religion. And of course, he would never be on the internet or at an expensive dating service. Had I met him out & about somewhere, I would have ruled him out based on conclusions I would’ve jumped to based on his appearance.

The only reason I got to know him well enough to be drawn to him romantically is because a friend introduced us saying “I’m NOT trying to set you up! I just think you have a lot in common, and Czech has recently moved to your area and hasn’t made many friends yet.” (Living in the ‘burbs with a young son and no car makes it hard to get out much.)  I started out just looking for friendship, so he snuck past my dating defenses.

Our mutual friend isn’t particularly interested in people’s surfaces, the “on paper” stuff, so she was able to see all the ways in which we do connect. A good kind of friend to have!

So, I’m not sure how we would handle our religious differences if we got into a long-term relationship, but I’m willing to wait and see. We both hold that each person has the right to their own beliefs, so we won’t be trying to convert each other, which is crucial.

The thing I’m wondering about is how we’ll spend much grown-up time together, both because of transportation challenges and because we each have small creatures to take car of (one kid, one dog). But we’ll figure it out.

Then it’s just whether we keep liking what we get to know about each other.  THAT will be fun to find out.

 

Getting the most out of a Life Coach

Coach extraordinaire Kay Yow

At the moment, I’m back to being sort of optimistic about romance. This is partly because of a cluster of good first dates (more on these later), and partly because I finally have a workable plan for getting to the point where I’ll share my wants & feelings with a guy honestly and PROMPTLY, so that he can truly get to know me, and so that I can get my needs met.

With a life coach, I’m breaking this down into baby steps. I’ve gotten pretty good at noticing times when I *should* speak up about something that’s bothering me, so that’s good. And I’ve figured out the 2 big reasons why I don’t speak up:

First, I immediately assume the worst. (He wants us to our first in-person meeting to last “for a long time?” Augh — he wants to move fast; he wants us to be together all day & into the night; I’ll feel trapped, TRAPPED!” Turns out he just wanted more than a 45-minute coffee date.) A lot of the times that I’ve ruled guys out, I think it’s because I jump to negative conclusions this way.

Second, I want so badly to say it in a way that will keep him from being hurt or upset that I either chicken out , or I stammer and talk around the issue. If I chicken out, then I get resentful. Or I bring it up so much later that he doesn’t remember the event that bothered me. If I stammer and talk around the point, the guy either misunderstands, or he figures it must be a BIG BAD deal, since I’m obviously so nervous about it.

Now I’m working on just saying something out loud when I feel uncomfortable, without waiting to figure out what to say & how. Canned phrases help here, so I’m going to try, “Hang on a second.” That buys me time.

The next step to work on will be what I say next. The goal: SPIT IT OUT. Focus on what I want, and how I want to feel.  Say that. If it doesn’t go over well, clean it up later.   Or just ask a question about what he meant by what he said, to keep me from jumping to conclusions.

Another thing to work on: accepting that people will be upset by some of the things I need to say. And feeling confident that I can handle that.

I love that as I work on these things, I’ll get to share each experience with my life coach (LC) and get feedback within a week. I’ve tried this in the past but not really kept at it. An LC is useful for keeping something like this in the forefront of your mind.

Hmm…

It’s weird how embarrassed I feel needing to pay someone for help with stuff this basic, this far into my life. This blog is anonymous AND hardly anyone reads it anyway, so why be embarrassed? Not to mention, I deeply believe that people should accept where they are and do whatever it takes to grow, which is just what I’m doing. Still, it feels loser-ish to need this much help in my 40’s. OH WELL.

Now that I think of it, most of my relationships are healthier and happier than the average relationship. Some people’s quirks lead them to marry people with active addictions, some people’s lead them to argue bitterly with all of their friends, and mine lead me to have trouble getting into romantic relationships. At the same time, I rock at friendship.  And I create community, I get along with colleagues, I enjoy all my relatives, and I connect easily with kids. Frankly, there’s really only one thing that a LC *can* help me with.     So I’m OK.

 

Ah, whatever

Asexual Reproduction

I’m not discouraged anymore.   I’m busy with other things and content.   I’m packing for a 3-day weekend of cross-country skiing.  Woohoo!  Who needs romance?

That’s my perspective, and I’m standing by it.

For today.

 

Discouraged

Roodle's dark mood

Given how long it’s been since I last posted, it was safe to assume that either things were going so well that blogging was the furthest thing from my mind, or things were not going well, so my motivation for blogging was gone.  Well, it’s the latter.

Blah blah blah.

I’m still doing the dating thing, but most of the time I don’t expect it to go anywhere.  Not a helpful attitude!

I believe in consciously choosing optimism, and I can often make it work in my life.  At this point, though, I can’t make optimism stick when it comes to dating.

On the one hand, there are quite a few guys who get very enthusiastic about me very quickly, and I’m not enthusiastic about them.  Once in a rare while, I get enthusiastic about a guy, at least tentatively, and then he’s not interested in me.  I guess that’s the classic story.

Several months ago, a  friend said very nicely to me, “I hear about your trouble finding a guy you like, and I wonder whether you really want a relationship.”

YES I DO.

I want to be in one.  I’m sick of, and discouraged by, and feel incompetent about, the steps it takes to get into one.  And frankly, I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be in one.

Partway through writing this, I checked an online dating site and noticed that a couple of appealing guys showed interest in me.  And now I’m feeling hopeful about them, so my mood is better for the moment.  And if it turns out they don’t stay interested, or I lose interest as I learn more about them,  I’ll be back to feeling like the picture above.

The roller-coaster is tiring.

And sometimes nauseating.

Oh, well.  I’ll keep riding for now.

(Click here for the source of the black-mood image.  Click here for the source of the roller-coaster image.)

 

Another update — what the?

The Inventor is overly intense at best and possibly pathological.  After the message that seemed to me to clearly say that he didn’t want to hear from me since I hadn’t called him (and after my apologetic response), he wrote saying that “of course” a phone call from me was always welcome (obviously he hadn’t re-read his own message), but that another email from me would seem like an insult.   Then another message from him starting, “OK, I forgive you for not calling.”  He says he’ll just think of it as a cyber friendship so it won’t feel frustrating, and he types some chatty stuff to kick off a conversation.  I’m still taking this all in and wondering WTF, when he writes again, saying “Still shy, or upset now?”  Now I’m perversely curious what will happen if I do have an email conversation with him.  So I reply chattily.  I’m wondering whether he can write one message that doesn’t either make assumptions about what I’m thinking & feeling or prescribe how I should interact with him.   He’s a psychology research project now.

The Dad from OKcupid never received my email, because OKC ate it.  I’m not loving OKC’s email system!!  So I wrote again.  Hope his electricity is back on, since there’s a blizzard  predicted for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is when I’m supposed to have my 2nd date w/Business Guy, so that might get postponed.

OK, then there’s Goofy again again. We had another Thai dinner in a very warm restaurant.  It’s definitely easier to enjoy conversation in a warm setting!!  What felt like pontificating in the cold restaurant now just felt like him enjoying intellectual topics more than I do.  I like some brainy talk, and I also like a lot of casual chit-chat.  We like a different balance of these things.  That could be fine, but …when I’m actually with him, things feel stagnant. A kiss of any kind, real or European cheek kisses, was absolutely not happening.  I don’t know whether I’m holding back because I’m not that into him, or I’m reacting to him not being that into me, or what.  I’ll put him on the list of people to invite to parties and group things, but this is just frustrating.

 

Avoiding a Pun on “Date” and “Update”

There’s been a decent amount going on since my last post.

1. Business Guy and I had chemistry!  As we talked, it was clear we spend our time differently, as I figured, and his response was very sweet — he said how he would like to try cross-country skiing, because it looked like fun, and the few times he’s been hiking, he’s enjoyed it a lot, so he’d be happy to do more.  I sincerely admired his entrepreneurial spirit, and we joked about the differences in our personalities that make me happy to have a boss and a role in a large organization while he thrives on working for himself.  We like similar music and food. And the sweetest thing was how he dealt with the awkward end of a first, blind date.  He suggested a European goodbye, meaning the both-cheeks kiss.  Great!

So I left feeling happy and anticipating our next date.  I wasn’t worried about whether there was long-term potential — it would simply be fun to take the chemistry however far it would go.  Unfortunately, we weren’t able to get together again right away, and the reality of our lifestyle differences gradually crept back for me.  When we spoke on the phone to arrange the next date, more differences came up, and they chipped away a bit more at my enthusiasm.  This Friday, I’ll have dinner with him again, and I’m sure I’ll have a good time.  It may take another pep talk to get myself to be really open again to the possibility that it could go somewhere, but it’ll be fine.

2. The Inventor from OKcupid, well, that crashed and burned.  He replied to my message and sent his phone number.  Then my life got insane, mostly because of a big mess at work.  I kept meaning to find a time to call him when I could focus, but that didn’t happen.  Then I planned to email him to tell him I wouldn’t be able to call until things settled down, but before I did, he wrote me, wondering whether I was planning to contact him or had decided not to.  I wrote an apology, explained about needing a few more days until I could really have time to call, and checking whether that was OK with him.  That was mid-week.   I planned to call on Saturday, and I overfilled the day.  Oops!  Sunday my whole day would be clear, so I was confident I would call then.  But when I checked my email just before bed, there was a message from him, saying something like, “You’ve had my number for six days now and haven’t called.  Following up communication is very important to me, so forget it [phrased less bluntly].  I wish you well.”     Ouch!

To be honest, one of the reasons I found his profile intriguing is because he clearly feels communication is very important, so I’m not too surprised that he has high standards around it.  Also, I do think I was pretty lame about how I handled it.  But coming at the end of a week that was crazy-busy and actually emotionally difficult, it seriously bummed me out.  I would’ve really liked to have gotten to know him, whether as a date or not.  I sort of hoped that my final apology message would be so eloquent and insightful that he would reconsider, but apparently not.  My friend says he sounds like a jerk or a control freak.  I really can’t tell, because I don’t know what’s going on for him.  Oh well.

3. The Dad from OKcupid and I traded a couple of messages. (This is a bad nickname — way too generic!  I’ll come up with a better one if he stays in the picture.) He hasn’t responded to my last email, but I’m pretty sure he’s without electricity due to the mammoth ice storm.  (I live just far enough so that I only got torrential rain.  Whew!)  I’ll write him again later.

4. Then there’s Goofy again. I ran into him getting off the subway last week.  We could only talk for a second until I had to run for a bus, but I had an email from him already when I got home, so he must have sent it the moment he got home.  Good sign!  When I replied, I mentioned the research about people’s social perceptions and responses being different depending on temperature, and I said it would be interesting to have another Thai dinner in a warm restaurant and compare notes.  (This is how geeks flirt, in case you were curious.)  He liked the idea and suggested we try it in the coming week.  I proposed tomorrow night (very last minute), and he just replied saying yes.  Now THIS feels like it has potential.

I say this partly because of the reasons that aren’t involved in my interest in Goofy:

• I’m not swept off my feet by his dashing looks (especially not when he wears a knit hat, which is a bad idea for anyone with a large head);
• I’m not secretly thinking of him as a trophy boyfriend (hard to admit, but that’s often been true in the past — the muscular one, the handsome charming one, the young one…);
• I’m not settling because I’m relieved that he hasn’t irritated me; he has!  What with “okily dokily” and pontificating, I would have grounds for ruling him out if I were in my old, hyper-judgmental mode.  It’s great to see that I’m not.
  

The things I listed about Goofy in my earlier pre-date positive thinking program are what make me interested.  And his goofiness seems to have peaked with the infamous “okily dokily“.  He does consistently use multiple smileys in his email messages, but I can overlook that.

I may steal the European Goodbye idea to try with Goofy, if he doesn’t go for a real kiss.  (Just hugs so far.)  Because I’ve posted about it, it seems cheesy to steal an idea from the guy I’m going to see on Friday to use with the guy I’m seeing tomorrow.  If I hadn’t posted about it, I wouldn’t feel any shame. 
Wish me luck!

 

Dating-Specific Bipolar Disorder

Oh, good grief — another mood swing around dating!  At least this is a happy one — I’m having an OKcupid-related manic phase.  This morning, in addition to finding a few profiles that seemed kind of promising, I found two incredibly intriguing profiles –  a compassionate inventor and a funny single dad.  The inventor was suggested to me by the website (in my Quiver, for those in the OKcupid know), and the dad wrote to me.  I’m irrationally optimistic (audaciously hopeful?) about these guys — there’s a long way to go between starting communication with someone online and getting a relationship started.  But getting unreasonably excited from time to time is the only thing that gives me enough momentum to coast through the discouraging periods.

Before this OKcupid session, I was losing a fight against discouragement.  The dating service I paid lots of money to almost 6 months ago (for 6 months or 10 dates, whichever came later) has just found me only the 2nd agnostic/atheist/humanist in the 5 1/2 months since I joined.  This guy, like the first one, is in business.   I confess that I have preconceived notions about businesspeople– that we don’t find each other interesting.  Here’s what my experience show about our interests (wish I knew how to format this as a table):

Business People                           vs. Me
Downhill                                                Cross-country
Motor boats                                          Sailboats
Doing well ($)                                      Doing good
w/doing good on the side                  w/doing well on the side
Concrete world                                     Inner world

OF COURSE that’s an over-generalization, but that’s the expectation I start out with.   I said I’d go on a date with this guy mostly because I feel as though I should give the dating service one more chance before I try to negotiate getting most of my money back.   I think they run their business fine; I’m just not a good match for their pool of men.

Whoops — writing about my upcoming date w/Mr. Business is flipping me back to a dark mood.  The date is tonight, so I’ll make a game of seeing how many things I can learn about him that DON’T fit my stereotype.  And where he DOES fit the stereotype, the game will be to try to see things through his eyes.   OK — that sounds like fun.   Wish me luck!

 

Love in a Cold Climate

The date with Goofy was COLD.  It was a frigid day, and the drive there was too short for the car to warm up.  (If I’d left the house early enough, I could’ve walked, and then I would’ve been toasty at least at the beginning.  Damn my poor time management.)  The movie theater was cold.  Then we crossed the street to a little Thai place.  We were the only customers there, and the owner sat us beside an electric heater and plugged it in for us.  No dice — still COLD.  I was sitting on my hands, pulling one hand out only to take a bite or a sip of tea.

Waiting for the movie to start, we had good, fun conversation.  At dinner, it started to feel forced.  According to this study, that could be mostly because our fingers were going numb!  Had we been warm and comfy, I might not have thought he was pontificating, and I might have had more to say.  The trick is — will either of us feel motivated enough to give it another try, in a warmer setting?  Sigh.

 

Getting Psyched for Goofy

I’m trying to get psyched up about going to a movie with Goofy.

This may sound like an insulting nickname; actually, it’s neutral.  I have no interest in anyone who is either not at all goofy, or extremely goofy.  There’s a sweet spot in between.  After our first date, I thought Goofy was right in the sweet spot.  But in his emails since then, and when we got together with some of his friends & some of my friends, he’s been goofier.  The low point was an email that said only “okily dokily.”

Ouch — that took the edge off my interest!

But it’s ohhh kayyy.  Everybody’s non-ideal in some ways, and extra goofiness is a pretty harmless one. Maybe he gets extra goofy when he’s nervous, and my wonderfulness is bringing it out.  Hey, if that’s why, it’s pretty flattering.

So I’m practicing my pre-date positive thinking program:  He’s the right amount geeky, and he’s also creative.  He makes me laugh.  He likes to take his time getting to know people rather than jumping into a relationship (works for me).   He’s a good sport.  His friends are nice.  He’s got a warm, open face.  His quirky interests are interesting to me, too.  He’s enthusiastic and curious about the world.

Hey, this is working.  Now I’m looking forward to seeing him.   Extra goofiness is just a potential future reason for me to roll my eyes indulgently as I smilingly tell friends, “Humor him.  He can’t help himself.”  All right — here goes!

 

Step away from the keyboard

I confess; I haven’t done much about dating recently. I was all proud of myself for two dates (or semi-dates) in one day, but I realize that was two weeks ago, and I haven’t even spent any time on my online dating site since then — except to update my profile in light of my not-seeking-parenthood decision.

Just as it’s time to get rid of the stacks of paper on my desk at work and my table at home, it’s time to stop blogsurfing and get back out there.

I decided earlier that I want to go to some new places where I can meet people — whether they’re eligible guys or just random people. Places I wouldn’t usually go, and where maybe I don’t even fit in. This will be a playful thing! So I want to keep it easy — casual dress, not expensive, not a lot of advance planning, etc. I’d love to get ideas, either on random places where I could meet people (say, a Chinese grocery store?), HOW I could meet people there, or even how to THINK of random places. All ideas welcome!